SCARS AND ALL

Maggie-1

Just over a year ago I was facing a decision that was going to change my life. I was told after five surgeries in three years that the only way to stop the madness was going to be a permanent solution. For over ten years I had battle cysts and leaps and chronic endometriosis. And now at 29 I was facing having a full hysterectomy and medical induce menopause.
My husband was all for it and I had one beautiful child but I was scared and not ready in the least. We thought long and hard and bit the bullet. Within thirty days of my last surgery  I was there being put under. I knew my life was going to change but I never knew how hard it was going to be.
I woke up instantly feeling like my life was over. I was a freak of nature. I was scared and bruised and different not better. I was being told by the doctors and everyone around me that it was the right choice I did the right thing. Two weeks later when my test results came back in I was floored again. I had not only bit a bullet I had dodge one. The cells had begun to mutate and not the super cool X-men type mutation where I could fly and create a storm kind.  I had saved my life. So now you think I would be glad and renewed and on board with it. I wasn’t. I felt nothing.
I went for a physical about a month later and the family doctor was updating my files and noticed the surgery and proceeded to call me an “it” the rest of the appointment. I got a new doctor but this was my low point. I was over weight by at least thirty pounds and I was growing hair where it shouldn’t and on hormone replacement therapy. I would pick up my prescriptions and the nurses would say “how nice of you to get your mothers medicine for her”. I was completely depressed by Christmas. My amazing husband was trying his best to help. We joined a yoga studio and he would tell me I was amazing every day. I just did not believe him. I could not look in the mirrors and see it. I all I could see was the scars.
In March, my yoga studio did a forty day challenge. It was a whole mind and body challenge. I met once week for a meeting and we talked and practiced yoga together. I came out of the challenge with a new goal of loving the body I had. I meditated and changed my eating habits. Cleared my life of the things that was not helpful. I made every moment count. I set the goal to lose thirty pounds by thirty years old. My friends at studio were there every step. These amazing women of all shapes and sizes and saw me just me saved me.
My husband starting going to classes with me and holding my hand at the end. He continued to tell me I was beautiful. I wanted to show him something special. I was looking on Facebook one day and saw the tangled boudoir page. I have always wanted to be able to do something like that. I looked into it and kept chickening out. I just kept seeing the scars. That’s the problem with mirrors people see who they think they are not who they are. I was just scars.
I finally emailed and set up the time. I was doing this for my husband. I could do it for him. The day came way to quick and I was so nervous. All the other ladies there were so pretty and self confident. I just kept thinking scars scars scars. Once my makeup was done and I was putting on the first outfit, I looked up into one of those damn mirrors. I finally just told myself to get out of my head and my scars don’t make me. I went in and did the best I could with what I have.
I did better then that. I left with a “hell yay” I am here this is me “take it or leave it”.
When I got my pictures, I sat in looked at all of them over and over again. I did it and I looked good doing it. I was rocking the poses. I was me finally me. I was not the “it”. I was not the freak. I was me. I found me. Scars and all. Thank you Jamie from the bottom of my heart. You helped me so much more then you know.

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Ruthie Karnes - Maggie, thank you for sharing your story. I have aggressive endometriosis but am currently pregnant with my first after being told it was unlikely I’d be able to conceive naturally. I’m relishing this miracle but I’ll admit that my mind has already sprung forward to possibly having to make a decision similar to yours when the disease is active again. I feel scared and angry when I think about it so I try just to live in this moment when for once my body isn’t acting against me. I’m thankful for your example of reclaiming your life. It helps me feel more prepared for the difficult decisions I’ll have to make in the future.