I have been wearing a lot of black lately.
So many things have been changing in my life the past few months and I think I didn’t realize they were affecting me until I noticed that….I have been wearing a lot of black lately.
If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that the thing Katelynd Frierson fears and loathes the most is change. My disdain for change is equal in my disdain for getting “stuck”, which keeps me in this strange limbo of exploding, waiting until all the debris has almost settled, and then exploding again. I move around a lot. I change my hair a lot. I keep the same four people close to me and everyone else at a distance. I wear the same necklace every day.
I have made a commitment to Nashville. I have to be here for at least two more years finishing up school. I have to constantly tell myself that this is my home and I have made a commitment to this home. I will not abandon this home. I will suck the marrow from this home. I will be present in this home. Being present has always been a struggle for me. My anxiety lends itself to a constant fear of the future. A note that I always got in my theatre classes at the Professional Actors Training Program was that I never allowed myself to be exactly where I was. I was ashamed of where I was and combated that with focusing on the future. The past couple of weeks have been a bit of a punch in the gut for my comfort zone. With Jaime visiting Paris I just couldn’t help but be taken back to my experience in Paris. Sitting at the base of the Eiffel Tower as it bathed itself in glittering lights, I realized for the first time that moments come and go, life ebbs and flows, people live and die, and the only thing I can do about it is be so fucking present in it. I woke up. I opened my eyes and fell in love with the universe. As Patti Smith once said, “it’s not fucking corny”. It’s not fucking corny because it’s fucking real. It hurts. It tickles. It surprises you. It lets you down. Unfortunately in the past couple of months I have drifted away from that memory. I fell back into my anxious and distant patterns.
A classmate of mine at PATP was killed in a car crash yesterday. We weren’t very close, but we were classmates and we shared our art together. He was one of those people that created joy. He was the type of person that affected people and allowed people to affect him. Nothing wakes you up more violently than realizing your own mortality. So here I am. Thinking about Paris. Thinking about another light blown out unexpectedly. Wearing all black. It seems the only options are to appreciate all the love and tragedy that has occurred up until this moment and be changed by it, or to close my eyes and wait for the debris to settle. When you’re depressed nothing feels harder than picking yourself up, acknowledging the experience you’re having right this very moment, and deciding to allow joy to plant a seed in your heart.
So right now, I am wearing black. Right now I feel uncomfortable in Nashville. Right now I want to crawl back into bed. Right now I have made a decision to allow myself to be affected by life. Right now I feel thankful for the things going on in my life that are out of my control. Right now, I love you.
“The coming and going of things. Sit down. Fall in love. Bask in it. Weigh the pros and cons. Lose interest. Retrospect. Have regrets. Compare what we have to what we’ve lost, where we are to where we’ve been, where we think we ought to be to where will be. Get up. The world keeps spinning.” -an excerpt from the journal I kept in Paris