So much of my life consists of my love of creativity. On the same hand so much of my livelihood depends on those same creative juices to flow. You may have noticed my lack of posts in the last month or so. Have you ever been there? The land without glitter? A place where you know the glitter exists and you want to dearly to throw it but you lack the ability to touch it, to see it.
I’ve been there for a while. Going through the motions of survival. Being creative for work but feeling an utter lack of inspiration and excitement for life. A boy once told me I had “genetic moxie”, I thought it was an insult but he quickly explained that I have a verve and pep for life that most people fight to have. I love my genetic moxie, most likely passed down to me by my always over the top father but there are certainly days that it seems to be in hiding.
I have felt uninspired.
I have felt distracted.
I have felt blah.
I finally cracked and decided to give my therapist a visit. (I was avid about my sessions for years but have slowed down quiet a bit). When talking with Hayne we discussed the value in anger. Not a mad anger but a passionate one. He explained the dynamics of each emotion. Anger houses both a negative energy and a positive one. I function best when I have something to be angry (read passionate) about. Becoming comfortable, content and falling into a pattern (read predictability) are the death of me.
A little over three years ago I left a very abusive relationship. I honestly had no hope for what the world would hold for me. So beaten down I had excepted my bleak future and want to live in a camper. Deep with in me I found these amazing survival skills. I found an energy and desire to create something out of nothing. So I did. Its the struggle that gave me direction. Once I felt like I had actually lost everything my life was a giant blank slate. The world pulled the rug out from under me (or maybe I did it to myself) and I was pissed. I was boiling with hurt and pain and confusion. In rebellion against the universe I decided I no longer had to live by the rules.
I turned a pile of shit into pure gold.
Now in a place where things are genuinely good I have to navigate the waters with out my survival mode. Better I have to figure out how to stay that passionate. That hungry. CLAWS IN. Always.
So here is to creating even in the desert. To making my own glitter. I don’t care if I have to cut every tiny microscopic piece out myself.
What do you do to feel alive in the land without glitter? Let me know in the comments below.